Archive for May, 2012

The boys came home with perfectly created homemade goodies to shower mommy for mother’s day. It’s always a sweet, enjoyable moment to reflect on their growth, love, maturity, sweetness, and more in the past year.  I still long to be a stay at home mommy and I hope some day the Lord will honor that, but until then one thing I look forward to is seeing all the work they do while I’m away! I am constantly looking for ways to seek out the many blessings God has given me. Though God his not honoring my desire to stay home with them, and I’ve been waiting 6 LONG tearful years – there have been many things during that time HE has blessed. For the most part I’ve had very loving and giving care providers for them (minus one place where Owen landed in the hospital of those times I KNOW could have been avoided). A few minor accidents, trips to the ER, well this mama isn’t really complaining (other than..I still want to be home with them!!! hahaha).  I look forward to seeing their faces light up and run to me every single day when I pick them up. I am tearful when I see them cry upon leaving them. I hurt, painfully, when my oldest son goes into meltdown mode because of his OCD and there’s absolutely nothing I can do to help. I plan things for him as best and most efficiently as possible but there are still moments that when his routine gets thrown off that his brain just goes haywire. I picture a morning where we can wake up, eat a family breakfast, learn about cooking, color together, do fun art projects, go outside and learn about God’s creation, go to the park, go to the zoo, all sorts of things. Instead we have an insanely hectic chaotic lifestyle that I dread so many days.

I constantly try and remind myself of the Lord’s word in Ecclesiastes, to everything there is a time and a season. I’ve still not figured out why my season is so long – I know my youngest would be starting school in a few short years and at this point it’s impossible for me to stay at home with being a single parent. I must remain working. It’s God’s plan, I don’t like it…but it’s still His plan. Lord teach me to be more grateful and more accepting of that which you have given me and soften my heart.

While the boys are away they make the cutest art projects. Today they both came home with a few things. The oldest (my 6 yr old) had just one sheet – shown in the child’s handwriting. My other child, he’s two. He had 4 different art projects for mother’s day. Coincidently one of his was VERY similar to that of his older brother!! I called my mom to tell her about the youngest child’s answers:

  • My mom’s favorite color: Red
  • My mom’s favorite thing to eat is: eat dinner, porkchops
  • My mom’s job is: work
  • My favorite thing to do with my mom is: porkchops
  • My mom’s favorite thing to do is: eat porkchops
  • I don’t like it when my mom does: food

Porkchops…I got SO TICKLED!!!! From the mouth of a 2 year old I have to hand it to him, that was AWESOME!!  I then went to pick up his older brother from school and he had a paper for me as well. Ironically, when asked what his mom’s favorite food was, he answered, “porkchops”!!! I thought that was pretty awesome too!  His other answers were really sweet.

  • My mom’s name is: Lisa
  • She is __32__ years old and has __blue__ eyes and __brown__ hair.
  • Her favorite food is: Pork Chops.
  • I love my mom because: She loves me.
  • I want to say “Thank you, Mom” for: Making me orange juice.

Serious mommy grin and love going on here. Thanking God for the little things and for simplifying life. No bouquet of flowers, kitchen appliance, jewelry, or any “thing” could have replaced these two sheets of paper today.  Best of all both boys saying at different times and places that mommy’s favorite food was porkchops!!


I Am Blessed

As many other believers, I too have uttered thousands of times the verse (2 Corinthians 4:7-9 “But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”).  Toss it back and forth in my head as I live my own sweet simple life..some days feeling on top of the world and others feeling the brunt end of the deal.  I’ve felt crushed…my spirit and heart.  Prior to the dissolution of my marriage, there were issues. I had so many to ask me why *I* didn’t leave sooner.  One thing I’ve learned…despite all odds, you don’t move unless God says move. Period. It’s not up to everyone else to make decisions for you. If life is a living hell, then so be it, God made necessary provisions for our family as needed.  A second reason is I absolutely believe in biblical grounds for divorce, so yes I would  have fought for our marriage under any other circumstances had it not been infedility. There was a point in our separation I was close to “working” on it but he revealed to me other individuals he had been involved with (not intimately but still relationally through work).  I wasn’t taking that chance and that’s really not my point here. Though I was upset and hurt the Lord gave me peace. I was scared, afraid, and so full of emotion at what would be facing the boys and I in the days to come.  And even some situations, some things are just beyond your control.  Move aside and let God do what He needs to do.

Crushed..literally..Back up to 2003. They say the power of life and death is held in your tongue? GET IT…it’s TRUE!!!  Our first year of being married, we’d gotten into a little argument. It was no big deal, but he had anger issues and didn’t know when to stop and that mixed with bipolar (extremely explosive/depressed OR on top of the world) would just keep egging things on. He liked to say things just to hurt. It didn’t matter I was his wife.  I thought it was supposed to matter that he was a minister, a leader in the church, a spiritual leader in our home…he led for a while…but after 3 little words during that argument,  I never trusted, truly trusted him again.  I felt crushed – abandoned (didn’t want anyone to know, I could pray all I wanted to, and you bet I DID), and eventually the next 8 years…destroyed. But the first year, those 3 little words over a silly argument, which I hadn’t even raised my voice until he kept pestering me…were “I Hate You.”   Ummmm GOOOODDDDDD????? I kept thinking did my husband REALLY just say that? He hated me??? oh MY  WORD!! I just stood there, silenced. He apologized, I don’t even remember what I said in response, I still just stood in silence – because He said he didn’t mean it. Ladies and Men..Listen, your words are SO VERY VALUABLE. Choose them wisely and especially to those you work with, those you live with and the most important, those you love the most. Spouses, parents, children, grandparents, etc.  If you wouldn’t say it to your boss, don’t say it to your wife. If you wouldn’t say it to your pastor, don’t say it to your mother. If you wouldn’t say it to your brother, don’t talk down and ugly to someone else. It’s wrong and not acceptable in the Lord’s eyes. I would even go as far as saying if you aren’t a believer in God yet (which I hope someday you are), that those who don’t know Jesus yet have common decency not to belittle and say hateful things to those around them. It’s called respect.

Anyhow that just set a platform for the years to come. We still had many good moments. Many GOD moments that I never doubted His presence. For that I’m always thankful. But I always watched and listened and prayed. For I saw something in him (the kid’s dad) that changed over the years (and partially could have been that way from the beginning but I was unable to see it). A true submission to the Lord and leading of our relationship spiritually. Yes we had times and seasons..but nothing consistant. Grass unwatered dies. Children malnurished die (both physically and emotionally).

As we went along, leading worship together and he helped teach/preach at different places, not only did I feel my ”abandonment” at home but I felt it somewhat at church. They could only see the churchy/spiritual side of him, I saw both sides. It was like every Sunday was going and living a lie..but painful. We LED people into God’s sweet worship. Many wonderful days. I don’t know what God would say about that now, but at the time it was very confusing.

Psalm 34:1 I will bless the Lord at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth….I always kept saying, “God how do I do this  when time after time ‘crap’ keeps hitting the fan?”  It always always always seemed to be that he wanted me to say nothing, do nothing, pray, go nowhere, be submissive to HIM…and wait. Wait. OUCH…waiting is painful.  Did you know when you wait in line that’s when you stub your toe, or hit your elbow, step on a nail, someone runs in to you? Same principle. While I tried my best to wait on God (During all this time I diligently read Stormy Omartian’s Power of  Praying Wife book), bad thing after bad thing would KEEP happening.  I just wanted to freaking scream!! I had my moments..enough was enough. God’s children are not supposed to act like this…but in my heart I kept thinking, “Lord, You know the husband i prayed for many years ago..this is a changed man..and if I did make a mistake, help me to be patient and learn what I’m supposed to learn. I really don’t know God. Move me as you see fit..Protect me. I love you”

I will expound later on the destroyed aspect of this verse…it’s late!! 😉 I love taking photos of the blessings in my life. Random, silly, thoughtful, whatever the moment may be. I feel like God uses those moments at times to show us glimpses of Himself and his love to us.  Despite all the craziness, tears and anguish that my path has led me on, I can truly say I’m one blessed woman. Blessed internally…I don’t need lots of ‘things’ to make me happy.  God has blessed me with great family and friends who have allowed me to be myself again and for that I will be forever blessed and thankful. I’m blessed with the smiles and laughter every single day of two precious little ones.  Yes we have moments we all hurt and things are a little more difficult in a one parent home…that in itself is NOT God’s plan or design for a family. But until the Lord sees fit otherwise it’s staying that way. However we’ve learned to make it work, with growing pains. It’s not easy…who says you can’t be blessed in the midst of difficulty?

His praise shall continually be in my mouth….thank you Lord for that which you have given me.


Loving That Smile!!!